"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."
"I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."
"I need cheering up. I lent my friend $8,000 for plastic surgery. Now I don’t know what he looks like.
"My girlfriend had a phantom pregnancy. Now we have a little baby ghost."
"A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper. And the ad says, “Here, boy!”
"I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference."
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, “Aren’t you going to help?” I said, “No, six should be enough.”
"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now."
"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."
"These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."